Hooves pounding the ground, the smell of wet, moldy pasture. A rod of
steel in my mouth, sudden lashing of pain across my backside. I thrash,
swinging my head and shoulders around trying to break free, but I am
tied. I try to escape, but the pain gets worse the more I struggle.
Exhausted and gasping for breath I have to stop. I can't move as I feel
hands on me. “You’re a good girl” I hear him say. My stomach is churning
as I wake up suddenly.
Not morning sickness, even though this
happens a lot when I wake up like this. No, I can't have kids, and I am
old enough now I don't think I want to. My name is Kathleen, but many
call me Kat. I am a social worker with CPS, and I hope to continue to do
this good work for as long as I live. I consider every child my child
in a way, I don't need any of my own, I have my hands full as it is. So
much wrong in the world, I am doing my part to make it right.
Early to rise for my 45 minute commute. Feed the cats, peek out at the
horses, feed myself. Why do I eat so much disgusting garbage? Oh because
it tastes good, and I don't have time for something better, and I'm
already fat, so what does it matter? My boyfriend isn't here this
morning, so I don't have to do anything more anyway. Which jacket with
this blouse? Hair, makeup, nails perfect. I'm gonna go out and get this
day!
Sometimes the drive in the morning is really hard. I come
up with my best ideas for the non-profit when I am alone driving. But
then sometimes I am so tired and I think of just going to sleep and
driving off the road. Somehow the thrill of that always wakes me up and I
am ok again... I wonder why he didn't call last night? Maybe he was
with someone else. That's ok, he wants to keep it any open relationship
for now. He has kids, he doesn't want to commit too quickly. It's
liberating, actually. Soon he will call, I am sure. Ug, I think I need a
tums...
Delving in at work, I have a million emails as usual.
Somewhere in the last decade I have become the go-to gal for all things
procedural, and many things political in the office. It is perfect for
me, I love my job. It fills in the time between client meetings, I don't
like down time. Fill my day up from dawn to the middle of the night!
Ring Ring * My cell phone, it's Jeremy! “Good Morning!”
“Hey hey hey Pussy Kat. How are you this morning?”
“Good, Just tired”
“What were you up to last night that made y0ou so tired?”
“Oh no, nothing. Just working on the website, couldn't sleep as usual. Glad it's Friday though. Will I see you tonight?”
Pause for three beats, I realize I am hungry again “That depends. Do you have other plans?”
“No no, just hoping to see you. I miss you.”
“What do you mean?” He asks, sounding annoyed. “We just went out to dinner two nights ago! I have other obligations, princess”
“Oh honey, I just can't seem to get enough of you though! Please say you will come over?”
“That's for me to know, and you to find out. Maybe I'm going crazy if
you can't hear what I'm trying to say. We're not on the same page. Make
my favorite and we'll see. I gotta go”.
No 'I love you's yet.
He's not ready. That's ok, you can't force love. Like they say, a bird
in a cage is worth two in the bush. I get up for another cup of coffee
to go with my creamer and back to the grind stone.
My day
whisks by. One boy appears malnourished. The parents are poor, but they
have state insurance and have been to the doctor regularly. He also has
some indications of ADD, but so far the doctors haven't diagnosed it.
This may be a case of over reporting. I'll flag it for follow up... A
new case of drug addicted parents. At least one of them is seeking
treatment. When did heroin come to town? I've lived in the area all my
life, and even with the crowd I ran with after high school I never heard
of heroin. Now they have the methadone clinics, not sure if that's
working, or just dragging the problem out. Proceed to request court
ordered follow up and testing... What's this???! I need to check this
out. One of our foster families is accused of allowing their biological
child to molest our placement!! What's the story here...
“It is
reported that on a trip to the riverside park a friend of the family
was in the back seat with [the foster child] and the oldest son, aged
15, when he teased [the foster child] that she would fly out of the car
if he didn't 'hold onto' her while going around the corner. He
reportedly said “You wanna hug me? The way you grab me, must wanna get
nasty” and tickled her in an inappropriate way. The father reportedly
laughed and seemed to approve (per observer) from the front seat. This
is in addition to some physical signs that have been observed by
biological parents during supervised visitations...”
I always
take biological parent observations with a grain of salt, I remember how
my mom would make excuses for my bruises or behavior. I can remember
now how creative she was. These people just don't want to be in trouble.
They want their kids back so they can do what they want with them, and
so they can tell people it was all just a big misunderstanding so they
won't be embarrassed anymore. Not every parent is like that, but too
many, way too many are. And sometimes the foster families are no better.
Initiate investigation, and bring down hell... I'm shaking a bit, must
be lunch time. Not sure I have an appetite, or if I'm starving. I'll
grab things at the store for dinner and get a little Caesars to bring
back. Maybe this time some of it will make it back to the office hahaha.
Getting home, I haven't heard from Jeremy yet. But the horses are happy
to see me. I get the oven going, and go out and brush the horses and
give them some grain. The smell of soft earth seems comforting now. It
has been a couple weeks since I have ridden, seems like whenever I am
seeing someone this happens. I will go riding this weekend. Maybe. They
like being free too, so it's ok either way.
Work on the website
for an hour or so, still no call. Dinner is nearly ready. Turn the oven
down to keep it warm. Glass of wine. TV on the couch. Falling asleep,
snugly blanket...
What do they make dreams for?
Baby can you breath?
Cuz now you're winning, here's your beginning.
No...
What do we need steam for
When you got them jeans on
you the hottest bitch in this place
I always wanted a good girl
Please....
you know you want it
panic starting...
Can't let it get past me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
It hurts!
What you don't like work?
even when you dress casual
I mean it's unbearable
Let me liberate you
Jeremy!
Yeah I had a bitch
but she aint as bad as you
I hate these blurred lines
You know you want it
I know you want it
I hate them lines
you're a good girl...
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
Cold panic wakes me up again. 1 a.m. And Jeremy is standing over me. I
rush into his arms needing reassurance. It happened three decades ago,
but sometimes the memories are really vivid like this, and I can't wait
for them to fade away when I am awake again. I need Him to make them go
away. I work every day to stop these dreams from ever happening to
anyone else. I can't have children, but they are all my children.
Written by Canis Pratt 11-27-13
Inspired by Project Unbreakable.
http://projectunbreakable.tumblr.com/
http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/27-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-attack
….And “blurred lines” by robin thicke
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